Before The Meeting Starts
Quick Check-in
- Ask if everyone can hear the audio and see the video?
- Where are you?
- Ask everyone to take a deep breath
- How everyone is feeling?
- If there will be a recording, say that upfront.
- Is there an offer or special next step? If so, say that upfront to keep people engaged until the end.
Practices
Phones: Please put away your phone and try to stay focused on what we are going to go over today.
Focus on making your relationship better without expecting anything in return.
Just facts. No opinion.
Call on people. Shape the conversation. Do your homework in advance and figure out who has something to say, and work hard to create interactions. Either that or just send a memo and cancel the whole thing. It’s easier and probably more effective.
Effective or efficient?
It’s the boss’s job to continually ask, “is this the most daring vision of your work?”
When people disagree, say: “thank you for the difference of opinion…” Inventing new approaches. “Good, you see it differently… I want to understand.. Help me understand… You come from an entirely different angle… You are an intelligent people.” Strength lies in differences
Listen. Don’t interrupt.
Reactive?
Happy or right?
DON’T BE REACTIVE. Freedom is in the space to choose
Don’t make excuses. Just be honest with people (Leisa’s event)
Feedback: Scott: “Do you want me to be diplomatic or honest?”
“Don’t critize, condem or complain” – Dale Carnegie.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou
“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” ― Theodore Roosevelt
Practice patience. Remember that “No one can make you feel a way that you don’t already feel about yourself.”
Everyone is struggling. Read about seeking sonder. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” (Reverand Ian Maclaren). “Faith sees best in the dark.” (Kierkegaard).
What is going to make this an awesome day today? “How can I positively get what I want?”
Use language like “we can if,” “this is how we handle it,” and “yes, and…”
Define what success looks like: “This will be a success if…?”
“The purpose of this meeting is…”
“The 3 things we absolutely need to get done in the next 30 minutes are…”
“We’ve gathered here as a group to…”
Attack the problem and not the person? “Is it better to be right or happy?”
There is always something we can agree on. “Are we on common ground?”
Are you being a coach or an expert? Remember that you don’t need to convince anyone.
Conflict Is Just An Opportunity
For those of us that want to have healthy conflicts, the following will help you up to your game…
What is a “conflict?”
90% of anything that you want to accomplish will require the help of others. Conflict is inevitable.
Conflict actually an opportunity to grow.
Things to ask yourself before your next conflict
What is your typical reaction to conflict?
What are you thinking and feeling leading up to the event? Do you believe those thoughts and feelings about yourself?
Do you avoid what you don’t want instead of creating what you do want?
What is your typical reaction to conflict? Why?
What is your typical role in a conflict? Am I being a victim, a villain or the rescuer?
How have you dealt with it so far or why haven’t you? What have been the consequences of either of those?
What is a current conflict you are facing, avoiding, or anticipating?
What are your thoughts or fears regarding this conflict?
How would you support a friend in this situation?
What is a healthy way to handle conflict?
Get the conversation started
“There’s something I want to talk about, is this a good time?”
Use “I” language
Own your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Instead of saying “you left me waiting,” you can say “I was waiting for 10 minutes and it made me feel disappointed.”
Another opener would be “I have a problem with…[fill in the blank]…”
Listen
Restate any questions that you are asked.
Ask yourself some questions:
What is the experience that I want to have?
What is really going on here? What are the facts?
Am I being a victim, a villain or a rescuer?
Do I want to win this conflict or solve the problem?
Can we come to a mutually acceptable agreement?
At any time am I shutting down or do I feel like I am being triggered?
Am I taking responsibility for my role in this?
Do I need to apologize?
Watch for assumptions
I’ve got the whole picture?
Assume: there are important things each of us don’t know. Explore their thoughts and feelings, reveal my own.
I know their bad intention!
Assume: I know my intention and can’t know theirs. I can only know the impact of their action on me. Share the impact on me and explore their true intent.
It’s all their fault!
Assume: We both have a part in this. Action: explore my part
It’s all my fault!
Assume: We both have a part in this. Action: Share my observations and acknowledge my part.
Feelings don’t matter.
Assume: Feelings are integral to the issue, in fact, in most cases, they are the issue. Action: share my feelings and acknowledge theirs are valid.
I understand your meaning.
Assume: I may be making assumptions about what you mean. Action: clarify meanings.
Rules of engagement
STOP trying to convince the other person that I am right. START to explore their perspective and their thinking.
STOP telling them how they are wrong or bad. START sharing the impact of their action on me. Find out what impact I’m having on them.
STOP trying to get them to admit fault, take responsibility or make amends. START understanding how our actions create the result.
STOP avoiding talking about feelings. START addressing feelings (mine and theirs) without judgment or blame.
STOP protecting self-image. START understanding the image issues we each face.
STOP trying to change their behavior. START trying to understand their behavior.
It is okay to take time out
If you are new at this, you may feel anger. This is your opportunity to call a time out.
Remember that you care about other people
We all make mistakes. Remember that you probably love and care about the person that you are having the conflict.
Remember some mindsets
Certainty > Curiosity
Arguing > Exploring
Pushing harder > Listening more
Seeing them as the problem > Wondering how I am the problem to them
Either/Or thinking > And/Both thinking
Who’s right > Facts and Feelings
In the aftermath of a conflict
Ask yourself the following:
I need to be aware that I am the most vulnerable to getting involved in a conflict when…
The type of person I most often find myself in conflict with is…
The things I do to inflame the conflict are…
Process Conflicts:
- Ask yourself, “How much control do I have over this process Conflict?”
- Identify the root cause of the problem and analyze the improvement opportunity.
- Talk first to the owner of the process.
- Describe the current problem and get agreement.
- Suggest a workable solution and action plan.
- Follow-through on the plan and give recognition to the owner of the process.
Role Conflicts:
- Ask yourself, “Exactly how do I perceive my role in relation to others involved in this issue? • Take responsibility for clarifying your role with others involved.
- Be prepared to change your perception of your role.
- Show your willingness to be flexible in achieving your organization’s goals.
- Stay positive. View any role change in terms of the opportunities it presents.
Interpersonal Conflicts:
- Ask yourself, “How much do my personal biases and prejudices affect this relationship?”
- Write down three behaviors that you could change in order to reduce the Conflict in this relationship. Commit to following through on these changes for at least three months.
- Ask the other person involved how you could defuse the existing Conflict. Encourage feedback that might seem brutally honest.
- Put yourself in their position. How do you think they view your commitment to reducing Conflict in your relationship? Why?
- Make a list of 5 strengths that you see in the other person. Then list ve ways that improving this relationship would benefit you.
Direction Conflicts:
- Ask yourself, “Am I clear on the direction or vision?”
- Clarify the discrepancy so that it can be easily described in neutral words and take action.
- Ask permission to address the discrepancy with the other person in a friendly, non-confrontational way and gain agreement.
- Use “I” and “we” messages rather than “you” messages.
- If there is a difference in values, always go with the higher value.
- Make authentic commitments.
External Conflicts:
- Ask yourself, “How much control do I have over this factor?”
- Choose to fight battles that are worth the price.
- Put your energy into things you “can do” rather than complain about what you “can’t do.” • Do something good for others.
- Maintain perspective and a sense of purpose.
- Talk to someone you trust.
Tools
A number of companies are using a learning and development model known as 70:20:10.
If we break this down, when you are creating something new…
70% of what you have is left unchanged,
20% is improved upon, and
10% is something that you experiment with as brand new
The idea is “how do I improve something without breaking ‘it’?”
The “it” can be anything. Think of a comedian that is working on new material. 70% of their show is a winner. But, they might play around with 30% to see if they are going to continue to use it and fold into their 70%.
What do you do that makes up your 70% and what are you thinking about experimenting with?
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